There are 500 unread posts on my Bloglovin'.
This describes well the level of my (in)activity in the blog world during the past months. I needed a break. You know what's really been bugging me? Being continuously sick. Yes, you've heard it a billion times already: "sorry that I haven't been blogging", "I have the flu :(", "my throat is aching to death". But that is exactly the case, not just me whining. I've been to the doctor every few weeks, taken antibiotics more than once this spring and had all kinds of blood tests taken. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, though. I'm starting to think that my body is trying to tell me to take it easy and reduce my stress levels.
Stress. Why does it find me so easily? I have been a perfectionist ever since I started school, and you just can't expect to be perfect when you're on uni level anymore. When you're used to taking exams well prepared, it's a nightmare to have to take an exam without having enough time to study so that you'd feel confident taking the test. But that's what I've got to learn, and I'm learning it the hard way. You know, I just failed an exam for the first time in my life. FAILED. Me?
When I saw the zero on the result list, I actually laughed out loud. And it felt healthy. Don't think I'm not taking my studies seriously - quite the contrary, actually. I'm just forcing myself to learn the importance of knowing how to fail. I didn't fail on purpose, but I laughed on purpose. I'll do better next time, and I forgive myself for not having the energy to be perfect every time.
When you're not healthy, it's twice as hard to carry on doing your daily work. You aren't able to exercise and keep yourself fit, so every tiny physical act, such as climbing the stairs, gets your blood rushing to your head. You aren't able to do things you love, such as singing, because it'll just make your throat hurt more.
The worst thing is that I've been telling myself that I'm lazy, that I'm a bad person for not having the energy to be perfect. But you know what? I forgive myself. I forgive myself for gaining 8 kilos since I started uni, I forgive myself for not reaching outstanding grades, I forgive myself for not blogging. This doesn't mean I'm giving myself permission to stop trying. I'm trying as hard as hell, but I need to remember to put my health first.
I need to love myself for not being perfect.
So yes, I've been an inactive blogger, but I don't really care at the moment. It's not just stress that has caused it, it's also lack of motivation. Why would I blog, if I have nothing to post? Outfit shots have just started to feel silly to me. I don't have a lot of money, so I don't buy new clothes to show off every day. And why would I even show off my clothes? For attention? I've been doing it because it inspired me, because I felt that mixing outfits was a way to channel my creativity. It does not feel like that anymore.
This blog will continue to be somewhat of a diary, and there will be something about fashion, too. I'll post an outfit if I feel like it's worth posting, if I especially like it and feel good about it for some reason. But it'll be more of a creativity and lifestyle blog from now on. I hate saying "lifestyle blog" - I'd call it more of a diary of thoughts and images that I want to share.
Well, that was some rambling.
I hope to get inspired soon, since I no longer have exams and I have more free time to fill my mind with anything that interests me. But in the meanwhile, here are a few Instagram shots from April and May. :)